Starting to clean....

They say that you automatically start nesting - I'm going to go do that now. I've cleaned out my whole armoir for the baby - and now am proceeding to clean out 2 more storage bins. Wish me luck! Here I go....

Finances / Work

Stuff in my head....

Jon lost his job today. Funny - I didn't freak out too much and was relatively at peace considering it's the only income we have (well - except for uncle sam's unemployment check!) Praise God for that! :)

I think we will be okay for a while - just from a human perspective...

Right when I was about to break down though, God reminded me of Psalm 23 and his promises/provision. Calmed me down for 5 min... then when the emotions welled up again - asked God "WHY?!" and He replied "to guide you in the direction I want you to go."

Well, sounds good to me - I'm praying I can keep that mindset through all the changes that are happening now.

I was thinking about dropping out of my classes to save the tuition money, but the drop date has passed. For now, I'm out of answers -- all I know is that God PROMISES that He will provide - we just have to obey and follow.

I was praying about whether or not to apply for a job at work - I guess I got my answer! Though.. trying not to get my hopes up for it - though I haven't thought of a plan B. The real concern I think is the medical expenses... not sure how much that will be since we have the baby. I think we'd be okay if it was just 2 young adults trying to stay out of trouble. But... I guess that comes down to God too - watching over us.

I think Jon and I are both hoping our parents don't flip out. Jon was concerned... but I reminded him (as He always reminded me with my arguments with my mom) that they aren't necessarily kingdom minded... and we have to keep that in perspective when we interact with them.

Physically ---

Getting bigger. He/she kicks once in a while - but I think its just internally cuz you can't really see it happening or feel it on the outside most of the time. Feeling alright - as long as I keep eating and no one takes my food (unless I offer it of course). :D Trust me though, it's better for everyone when the pregnant lady eats.

Spiritually ---

Doing okay - but not completely satisfied. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen - moreso along the lines of career. Now that I've verbalized the fact that I've been running like Jonah for the past year about my call to ministry. What does that mean exactly?!? Don't know... and still praying about it. I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't be satisfied with anything else --- and somehow God's made it that way. It's just so hard... when the world thinks so differently (and apparently I do too - fighting against the forces that say I can't do it... or that finances are a HUGE issue, blablabla) Hopefully, I'm coming to the end of the complaining phase and getting into the obeying part...

Apparently God's been sending me little "fishes" instead of Jonah's big whale to remind me of what I'm running from. Gilles (my therapist) constantly grounds me so I'm rational (and not flipping out about finances or what other people think), Mel (alcf staff who happens to be a friend and in my counseling class) is going to be "counseling" me whether I like it or not every week for school --- and keeping me accountable to getting where I need to be, and my multiple staff friends... who somehow always make their way into my life or I unconsciously drag into my life to discuss or talk about God/ministry/stuff on my heart but don't want to admit.

Haha - God must be heavily frustrated by now... it's like he's peeling me off from something I'm stuck to and am unwilling to let go of. Ah - don't know if that makes sense.

Emotionally -----

Crying a lot - over every little thing. It's like being on your period 24/7. But - normally it's just tearing up and it goes away. I've just come to terms with the fact that I am an emotional being - and extra emotional right now.

Month 4

Schedule - pretty much none. I woke up today... ate breakfast, read the bible, slept, ate lunch, went online, read the bible some more, prayed, ate dinner.

Overall, I usually don't consciously think about the fact that I'm pregnant - only when I see my little belly. Even then, I just think of it as flab - and that for some reason I need to be careful all the time. It's like for some reason I'm protecting or carrying this thing that I have no connection with and could be completely inanimate for all I know. Well... until recently... when the baby kicked or jabbed me in the stomach.

I had just finished some potstickers and was reading the bible and digesting, when suddenly a clear elbow or bone of some sort jabbed me in the belly from the inside. It didn't hurt - just really startled me because before then, it had just been flutters. I looked down and saw my belly bounce up and down 3-4 times and then stop. The same day, in the car, the baby jabbed me again while I was driving. My first feeling was annoyance because it's not exactly the most comfortable feeling. But then I thought, "I guess the baby needs a way to tell me that he/she is alive and there." Since, up to now, I still haven't really come to terms with it. (Still in denial I think that all this is happening). It usually takes me 6mo to get used to something - and I think I'm finally good with being married, but NOT about this baby thing. Technically, I need 2 more months for my mind to completely come to terms with the fact that there is something in me - and not just ANYTHING - a baby or human being! 0_0

Spiritually ~

I can't help but ask God why he's giving me this baby now. And when I pray and ask him - it's in tears (of sadness and confusion). I know, though that each time I come before Him, there is a voice that tells me that it is a "reward" - as written in Psalm 127:3 "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him." I guess that doesn't answer my question completely, but at least I am reassured that it is something good.

Am I excited about being a mom? Honestly, not really - I'm more excited about God calling me into full time ministry than about being a full time mom - and that's for a lifetime! Perhaps I just don't know enough about parenting. Makes sense - seeing I spent the first 26 years of my life pretty much as a child and never once thinking about actually being a parent myself.

I guess at this point - I'm praying more about my career or calling moreso than for the baby or being a parent. Wonder when that will change... or if it will change.