Month 4

Schedule - pretty much none. I woke up today... ate breakfast, read the bible, slept, ate lunch, went online, read the bible some more, prayed, ate dinner.

Overall, I usually don't consciously think about the fact that I'm pregnant - only when I see my little belly. Even then, I just think of it as flab - and that for some reason I need to be careful all the time. It's like for some reason I'm protecting or carrying this thing that I have no connection with and could be completely inanimate for all I know. Well... until recently... when the baby kicked or jabbed me in the stomach.

I had just finished some potstickers and was reading the bible and digesting, when suddenly a clear elbow or bone of some sort jabbed me in the belly from the inside. It didn't hurt - just really startled me because before then, it had just been flutters. I looked down and saw my belly bounce up and down 3-4 times and then stop. The same day, in the car, the baby jabbed me again while I was driving. My first feeling was annoyance because it's not exactly the most comfortable feeling. But then I thought, "I guess the baby needs a way to tell me that he/she is alive and there." Since, up to now, I still haven't really come to terms with it. (Still in denial I think that all this is happening). It usually takes me 6mo to get used to something - and I think I'm finally good with being married, but NOT about this baby thing. Technically, I need 2 more months for my mind to completely come to terms with the fact that there is something in me - and not just ANYTHING - a baby or human being! 0_0

Spiritually ~

I can't help but ask God why he's giving me this baby now. And when I pray and ask him - it's in tears (of sadness and confusion). I know, though that each time I come before Him, there is a voice that tells me that it is a "reward" - as written in Psalm 127:3 "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him." I guess that doesn't answer my question completely, but at least I am reassured that it is something good.

Am I excited about being a mom? Honestly, not really - I'm more excited about God calling me into full time ministry than about being a full time mom - and that's for a lifetime! Perhaps I just don't know enough about parenting. Makes sense - seeing I spent the first 26 years of my life pretty much as a child and never once thinking about actually being a parent myself.

I guess at this point - I'm praying more about my career or calling moreso than for the baby or being a parent. Wonder when that will change... or if it will change.