Hands free! and dreams...

It's been 3 weeks and I'm thinking about going with pumping for a few more months instead of breastfeeding. It's a bit messy to breasfeed because I start leaking on both sides even though I'm feeding on one :T I've been pumping most of the time anyway and besides the fact that I need to figure out a way to handle Noah while I'm pumping, I like it much more than breastfeeding because it's less painful and other people can help feed. It seems a lot more convenient to grab a bottle than to have to deal with preparing to bf while I'm leaking all over the place and hearing Noah scream for food.

So today, (with the advice of Sophie - a friend who also has a baby), I made my pump hands free!! :D YAY! It's been working well so far. Cut holes in my tanktop :) Hopefully this will help when I go home and need to take care of Noah by myself. It's crazy - but I'm pumping a total of 4 oz now! That's how much he eats in one sitting. It's crazy how our body knows somehow and can produce however much he needs. (Not so fortunate in the beginning when the milk was still coming in, but it's working nice now!) Formula is expensive :T so I guess the longer I can produce, the better. The problem is finding the time to do it --- so worth it though if I can get this down.

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Random... but just woke up from a nap, and realized that I dreamt about doing ministry with a baby. This dream is pivotal because I've been worrying and trying to figure out how to simply survive on my own when we move back to the apartment, much less do ministry. I haven't even thought about to what capacity I could be social. It made me sad to think about all the responsibilities of simply "living" and taking care of a baby.

In the dream, I was helping to lead worship with a friend of mine for our growth group at my parents house. The baby was asleep and not bothering us for the study. I remember distinctly being engaged in ministry and with the growth group family. Our group was a lot bigger than it is now (maybe 30?). I remember seeing Janelle and Becca walk off together (taking a stroll for accountability, I'm guessing) and wishing that I could be there, but knowing that I had Noah to tend to. That was the only part of my dream where having Noah was an impedance to doing what I loved. So... thinking back on the dream... maybe it is possible - to still run after my dream of doing ministry someday and have a baby at the same time. I don't know how it's humanly possible really to do all the housework, take care of the baby, and stay sane on my own if Jon was working full time. I've come to the conclusion that it'd be a miracle if I survive and only God will allow me to be able the have the strength and ability to figure out how all this will work --- feed the family (cook) and feed the baby at the same time (every 2 hours).

Ah... things to look forward to... grateful that I had a hopeful dream - even though I have no idea how it will pan out. Can't wait to get back to my small group! and get outside... I need to get some sun fresh air.

my new hobby

so... as ive been thinking about wat it looks like to be a full time mom - it's been hard to think optimistically. i imagine myself confined to the house doing house chores and tied to a baby.

today, tho, praise God, i had a revelation. y not use this opportunity to draw closer to God. today, i found much joy in worshipping with noah while he was awake. i played worship music on pandora and had noah wave his arms while i sang :) not bad if this was half my day.

i pray i can be faithful and thankful for this time at home. before, i was thinking about getting back to school or work asap but... im thinking to chill out about it and take my time if i can. maybe start thinking or looking in august - give myself a 6mo transition period. i should have a better hang of things by then.

BF = Breastfeeding

whole family napping on a twin bed...

So they say labor is hard ---- which it is, but funny how no one really talks about how hard breastfeeding is.

I've been pumping for the past week and a half cuz I can't get Noah to latch on properly :( Sadness. It'd be so much more effective if I could get the milk directly into his system, but right now, it seems we have to go through the intermediary medela pump. (Thank GOD for Julie - for lending it to us before we had Noah - or else I'd be in so much pain.)

So apparently, I overproduce milk. I was engorged, which led to an infection and high fever for a week. I'm on antibiotics now, so things are better, but having a fever and trying to pump every hour was NOT fun. Praise God we got over that though - it's kinda circular.... I have too much milk, so I get engorged, then I can't get the milk out, get feverish and the cycle continues. Eventually, I got myself to pump every hour so that I wasn't so engorged. Still, nowadays, if I oversleep or wait 2+hours to pump, I can feel it starting again.

I guess good news is WE HAVE MILK! Yay - hard part is getting it into the baby. Although, I guess I don't have anything to complain about because Noah sleeps really well when he is full and doesn't really fuss too much unless he is hungry or has a dirty diaper (usually he's hungry). He's healthy and a good baby in general.

It's just a matter of ME getting used to learning how to get him to latch. It's hard to see him screaming for food when I'm trying to get him in the right position. They say it takes 4-6 weeks to get it down ... sometimes a few months. WOW... talk about patience. I thought I was learning patience with the whole career thing, but this is getting down to the nitty gritty.

Being at home has actually been a huge blessing. My mom brings in food for me every few hours and my dad comes in to help feed once in a while during the day. Jon is a huge help too --- though I'm a bit worried and scared about going back to our apartment when it's just going to be the two of us and I'm going to have to clean and cook again along with pumping and taking care of Noah. Hopefully he'll get to sleep more by then!! :D Right now, he's at 2.5 hours which is really nice if he gets his 3oz worth of milk. I'm glad that milk makes him pass out! :D hee hee...

He is a cutie though - when he's happy and awake. His hickups sound like a squeaky toy.