It's been 3 weeks and I'm thinking about going with pumping for a few more months instead of breastfeeding. It's a bit messy to breasfeed because I start leaking on both sides even though I'm feeding on one :T I've been pumping most of the time anyway and besides the fact that I need to figure out a way to handle Noah while I'm pumping, I like it much more than breastfeeding because it's less painful and other people can help feed. It seems a lot more convenient to grab a bottle than to have to deal with preparing to bf while I'm leaking all over the place and hearing Noah scream for food.
So today, (with the advice of Sophie - a friend who also has a baby), I made my pump hands free!! :D YAY! It's been working well so far. Cut holes in my tanktop :) Hopefully this will help when I go home and need to take care of Noah by myself. It's crazy - but I'm pumping a total of 4 oz now! That's how much he eats in one sitting. It's crazy how our body knows somehow and can produce however much he needs. (Not so fortunate in the beginning when the milk was still coming in, but it's working nice now!) Formula is expensive :T so I guess the longer I can produce, the better. The problem is finding the time to do it --- so worth it though if I can get this down.
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Random... but just woke up from a nap, and realized that I dreamt about doing ministry with a baby. This dream is pivotal because I've been worrying and trying to figure out how to simply survive on my own when we move back to the apartment, much less do ministry. I haven't even thought about to what capacity I could be social. It made me sad to think about all the responsibilities of simply "living" and taking care of a baby.
In the dream, I was helping to lead worship with a friend of mine for our growth group at my parents house. The baby was asleep and not bothering us for the study. I remember distinctly being engaged in ministry and with the growth group family. Our group was a lot bigger than it is now (maybe 30?). I remember seeing Janelle and Becca walk off together (taking a stroll for accountability, I'm guessing) and wishing that I could be there, but knowing that I had Noah to tend to. That was the only part of my dream where having Noah was an impedance to doing what I loved. So... thinking back on the dream... maybe it is possible - to still run after my dream of doing ministry someday and have a baby at the same time. I don't know how it's humanly possible really to do all the housework, take care of the baby, and stay sane on my own if Jon was working full time. I've come to the conclusion that it'd be a miracle if I survive and only God will allow me to be able the have the strength and ability to figure out how all this will work --- feed the family (cook) and feed the baby at the same time (every 2 hours).
Ah... things to look forward to... grateful that I had a hopeful dream - even though I have no idea how it will pan out. Can't wait to get back to my small group! and get outside... I need to get some sun fresh air.
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